Breaking the Silence
by Merqurius
Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.

Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.

Voor Oma Wub, als eerbetoon. Mag u herinnert worden door iedereen die u liefhad, en door ieder op zijn eigen manier. En voor Opa Simon, zonder uw geduld om mij te leren lezen, had ik zoveel gemist en was ik nooit zo ver gekomen. Dank u.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

The wind blowing past the many towers of the castle made the only sound in the cold night. Everything was dark, except for the stars, high up in the sky. Harry Potter did not care about the wind, the cold or the darkness. Here, high up in the Astronomy Tower, he was more at ease than anywhere else in the castle. Away from the questions and looks from both friends and enemies. He was free to stare into the distance and to think about his lost friend and godfather without being interrupted. Or so he thought. For Harry did not hear the silent sounds of footsteps on the stairs or the cloak, moving in the wind. Even the sound of the door opening, did not alert him.

"I hope you are aware of the fact that I could have you expelled for being here, Mr. Potter,"

Harry's insides turned to ice when he heard the silky voice of his potions professor, yet he did not turn around to face him. He was startled that the man was here, but also noticed the change in his voice. Normally, the voice of professor Snape would be cold, harsh and dripping with sarcasm. Harry was surprised to hear that this time, it held none of those things. The voice now held concern, care and even a hint of softness.

"I asked you a question,"

There was another change now. It still did not held the old terrifying tone Harry was so used to, but it began to sound slightly dangerous. So Harry clenched his fists and said quietly:

"Yes, I am,"

He expected to feel Snape's strong hands pulling him away from the open window of the tower and dragging him to the office of the headmaster, but that did not happen. Harry relaxed a little and let the silence endure. Neither of them moved and it felt almost good to just stand there. It dreadened Harry that it had to end. But it did anyway:

"Will you then please enlighten me and explain why you are here, Mr. Potter?"

Sarcasm and concern sounded through the question. Harry shrugged and let go of his fear for the man, allowing himself to speak the truth.

"Expel me. Take me to the headmaster and expel me. I don't care."

Again there was a silence, but this time it was an entirely different one. Not comforting at all, but threatening. Like the calm before the storm. Harry refrained himself from apologizing, from showing weakness. Instead, he focused on the stars, but even that did not feel good. The stars were unreachable and could not help him. It was almost a relief when Snape spoke again:

"And with that, doom the whole wizarding world?"

Fear came over Harry, both because Snape seemed to know about the prophecy, and because he reminded him of it again. The last weeks, Harry had done his very best to deny the existence of the prophecy, to forget about it and even to make himself believe that is was fake. But in his heart, he knew that it all wasn't true. In his heart, he had always known that it had to be him, but when it finally had been definitive, it was a heavy burden to carry.

"It is already doomed."

This time, Snape's answer came quickly:

"Do you believe that?"

Did he? His thoughts went back to that day at the ministry. He had not been able to save his godfather. How could he be able to save the whole wizarding world if he could not even save the person he cared about most?

"Yes, I believe that,"

He said it with a steady voice. Snape's voice almost regained his old tone again when he answered:

"And then they all died for nothing? James, Lily, Cedric ... and Sirius? They all died in vain?"

"Shut up! Don't talk about him!"

Harry hated himself for losing control and yelling at Snape, but the potions master had spoken of his worst fear.

"And why not?"

The voice was deadly, cold and stern. It scared Harry and he hesistated to answer. Then he remembered that he didn't care anymore and replied:

"You hated him! You loathed him! You wanted him dead!"

Another silence. Harry desperately looked out of the window and waited.

"I didn't."

It was merely whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't," said Snape stronger. "I did not hate him."

Harry turned around and faced his professor. He looked the same with his dark robes, hair and eyes, but there was something different about him. He seemed more vulnerable, almost weak. His face was sad, regretful. He continued:

"We weren't friends, but not enemies either."

Harry let out a hollow, humourless laugh.

"I don't believe you, Snape,"

"Then let me explain it to you, Mr. Potter," Snape answered, deadly again. "We were different. Sirius, James and Remus were Gryffindors. I was a Slytherin. There was no hatred between us, just competitiveness. A prank from their side, followed by a prank of my side. Never did we have any intention to hurt each other. We did hurt each other of course, accidentally, which caused real fights, but no hatred."

"You don't care about him. You did nothing when he died." Harry said to him. Not screaming, not yelling, just cold.

"Do you hate Mr. Malfoy?"

"No, of course not. I don't like him, but I don't hate him either."

Harry knew Snape had trapped him there and turned back to the window.

"I know what you feel."

"No, you don't."

"First, you did not believe Sirius was really dead. You were waiting for him to walk through the door, but he didn't. Then, you became angry, willing to attack any one who mentioned his name and said something about him. And now, every time you think of him, it feels like falling into a black hole. If feels like you'll never be happy again, like a dementor is inside you, sucking away every good feeling and makes you feel guilty for everytime you actually smile, causing you to stop doing that." Professor Snape slowly walked towards Harry, his footsteps clearly audible above the blowing of the wind. Harry felt the hand on his shoulder, but did not shrug it off. It felt comforting, like it had done when Sirius had laid his hand on his shoulder and Harry hated himself for feeling that same way.

"I know," Snape continued. "I've been there."

Harry fought against the tears that were burning in his eyes. Still staring at the stars, he asked:

"Will it every go away?"

"Never," Snape whispered. "It can lessen, though."

Harry felt a tiny bit of hope, burning within him, pulling him a little further out of his own black hole.

"When?" He asked eagerly.

"When you are ready. When you have talked about it, accepted it and put it behind you."

"You mean that I have to forget it?" Harry asked doubtful. He knew he could never do that. He didn't know if he even wanted that.

"No, never forget it." Snape replied. "Pull yourself out of your black hole and move on with your happy memories of him."

"And you've done that with the person you lost?"

"Almost."

"I don't think I can do it." Harry said careful, not wanting to upset Snape now.

"And why not?"

"Well ..." Harry felt embaressed to say so. "I haven't really got any one to talk to, professor."

"I think I can arrange something for you,"

Snape steered Harry towards the door and together they walked back to the Gryffindor tower. They walked in silence, but Harry liked it that way. When they arrived by the portrait of the Fat Lady, neither of them knew what to do. Eventually, Snape broke the silence by saying:

"I think you can do this, Harry. You're not alone. But I am still giving you detention for breaking curfew, tomorrow evening, my office. There is no need to bring anything, but some tea might be nice. It makes talking easier."

Harry looked surprised at his professor and could swear that he saw the ghost of a smile on his face. Then, the man turned and strode away along the corridor, leaving Harry by himself, but a lot less alone.

THE END (for now ...)

This morning, 14 April 2006, my grandmother, Wubbechien de Groot, died of Alzheimer. This story is a tribute to her. However, I don't know whether to leave it here, as a one-shot, or to continue it for a few more chapters. It is up to you. Please let me know ...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.

Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.

Thanks you very much for your great reviews and condolences. I really appreciate it. I have decided to continue this story for four more chapters. So this is number two. Feel free to let me know if you think continuing it was a good decision.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

CHAPTER 2

Hollow footsteps sounded through the empty corridor, going slower as they drew nearer to the dungeons, until they fell silent. Now the only sound came from a deep sigh. Harry Potter was reluctant to enter the office of Snape. Last night, when he had gone to bed, he had felt good and in a way, relieved. For the first time in weeks, he had been able to go to sleep, without lying awake for hours, remembering his godfather's death. But it had not been long before nightmares had torn his rest apart. When he had awakened, he had realised that it wasn't as easy as Snape had said. What he had said was a lie. It was impossible to move on with your life. What was he thinking to confide Snape? The man should have had a good laugh yesterday and especially now, when he showed up for his detention, actually believing that his professor wanted to talk to him. He, who hated him and Sirius and who would always hate them. No way.

He turned around, facing away from the door to the dungeons. The footsteps started again, going faster and faster, away, until they came to an abrupt stop.

"Let me go!" Harry said cold, knowing exactly who the person was that now had a firm grip on his left arm and collar.

"I am afraid I can not do that, Mr. Potter, since I seem to remember that we have an appointment together." The sarcasm was evident and Harry knew not to argue any further. He was soon dragged through the corridor, back to the dungeons. A few moments later, they entered and Snape released him.

"Let me go," Harry tried again, but the coldness was replaced by desperation. Snape did not reply immediately, but Harry felt his hand on his shoulder, but unlike a grip. He was lead to a chair in front of his professor's desk.

"Sit down, Mr. Potter, before anger takes over my disappointment in you."

Harry sat down, uncomfortable, staring ahead instead of facing his professor, who was still standing behind his chair. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I was under the impression that you wanted to move on, rather than to swallow yourself in your own self pity for the rest of your life. I guess I was wrong."

Harry cringed back when he heard the venom in Snape's voice. He did not reply, because he knew that he could not deny it.

"Why, Mr. Potter?" Snape's voice penetrated Harry's thoughts. Harry considered lying for just a second, saying he forgot something in the tower or that he had to use the toilet, but something made him decide against it. He did not know exactly what it was, but he thought that he could hear concern in Snape's voice.

"I doubted, sir. I thought you didn't mean what you said yesterday and I wasn't sure if I meant what I said yesterday."

"I see," Disappointment still filled his voice, but the anger was replaced by understanding.

"You do?"

Snape sat down behind his desk and stared at the wall behind Harry. He seemed to remember his own pain of loss. Silently, he said: "I do." He looked at Harry. "You are not sure if you want to move on, going on with your life, just like every one else. Afraid that you might forget him, just like the others seemed to do after a few weeks. Scared, that all the memories you hold dear will disappear, just like they seemed to have done by everybody else, leaving you empty and alone. You would rather look at pictures of him the whole day, thinking of him and remembering him. Worrying that he would have been angry if he knew that you forgot how his voice sounded already."

"I did," Harry whispered hoarsely.

"Don't worry," Snape answered in what was without a doubt a comforting voice. "Everything will come back, but you have to give it some time. I am quite sure that every memory you recall of Sirius is a bad one?"

Harry nodded. "I see him alone, sad and dying."

"Was he like that?"

"You know how he was!"

"I want you to tell me."

Harry stared at his knees and sighed, waiting for Snape to say something else, but it stayed quiet. Eventually, Harry realised that he had to answer and began, though slowly and searching for words: "He was not alone and sad. At least not when he could help it. He didn't like anything more than to be among his friends and to joke and laugh. He always tried to cheer me up when I felt miserable. He was interested and listened to me when I needed someone to talk to. He offered me his advice when I needed it. He taught me, when I wanted to know things. He cared for me, when I did not feel well. He ..." Harry hesitated for a moment. It seemed odd to confide his professor all of this, but since it felt good and he had found someone who would listen to him, he continued: "He loved me."

Snape nodded approvingly, satisfaction written on his face. "Very good, Mr. Potter. Can you tell me how you feel when you think about these things?"

"I don't know, really." Harry said uncertain. "I feel sadness, of course, because all of that is gone now, but I also feel strangely happy. I don't understand."

"I think you do."

Harry thought about it. Maybe he did know, but it seemed wrong. It was wrong to be happy if someone had died. "I was happy when all these things actually happened, but I shouldn't feel happy now. Just sad, because all of that is gone now."

"It isn't." Snape said silently, in a voice very unlike his normal one. He seemed far away when he continued: "The fact that you just recalled all those memories proves that. You can relive them again and again, if you just try hard enough."

"But it is not the same!" Harry protested sad. "Sirius is gone! He will never be with me like he was!"

"Yes, he will, Mr. Potter." Snape told him stern, and it voice was back to the usual again. "Just in a different way. Close your eyes!"

Harry did so, but felt uncomfortable and vulnerable.

"Now concentrate. Forget that you are here and that I am here. Imagine that you are alone with Sirius. Recall a memory in which he tells you something. Something happy. Recall his laugh and his hand on your shoulder. Can you feel it?"

Harry focused and pictured Sirius, telling about his time at Hogwarts, his voice and his laugh. His hand on his shoulder. Then he felt it. A warmth spreading through his body and a feeling of total happiness. He could not help a smile lighting up his face. "Yes, I can feel it."

"That feeling, Potter, will never disappear. Nor do the ones we love."

Harry nodded thoughtful. "I think you are right."

Snape smirked. "I know so."

It was silent for a long while. They were both staring ahead of them, each with their own thoughts and feelings. Harry saw that Snape had closed his eyes and he closed his own. A long time passed, but it felt like minutes to him. When Snape announced that it was time for him to return to the Gryffindor dormitory, he noticed that he felt reluctant to do so.

"Goodnight, Professor."

"Goodnight, Mr. Potter, until our next meeting."

Harry closed the door behind him and suddenly felt tears, burning in his eyes. When he wiped them away, he found it hard to tell whether they were from happiness or grief.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.

Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

CHAPTER 3

Harry was sitting in the grass by the lake. The sun was shining and his potions book was on his lap, but yet his essay was going nowhere. Harry found his eyes wandering off to the lake and while he was staring at the blue water, thoughts came into his mind. He tried to ban them, but it did not seem to work.

"It's always nice to see my students work this hard, Mr. Potter."

Harry felt a little smile coming to his face upon hearing the voice of Professor Snape, but it disappeared when his thoughts drifted off again.

"I'm sorry, sir. My head just seems too full."

His professor joined him on the grass and began also to stare at the lake.

"Full of what, if I may ask?"

Harry let out a sigh. "Sirius."

"I see."

It was silent for a moment. Harry knew that Snape hadn't asked for an explanation, but he felt obliged to give one. Although obliged was probably not the right word, he actually wanted to confide his professor, unlike before.

"I can't get him out of my mind, just like I can't get this feeling of grief out of my mind. I tried to feel his warmth again, but it didn't seem to work anymore!"

"Can you tell me what memories you remember or what you say to yourself right now?"

Harry could tell Snape appreciated his honest answer when he heard the gentle tone in his voice.

"I remember seeing him falling through the veil and I remind myself of the fact that it is my fault he died." Harry looked ahead of himself, even when he felt Snape's dark eyes on him. He was afraid of the man's confirmation.

"That is not true." Cold, soft and spoken without any apparent emotion. "You need to have taken deliberate choices and actions for failure and blame. Choices and actions that you wanted to take, even though you knew it would hurt someone you love. Have you done so?"

"Yes, I have! I went to the ministry while he told me to always stay at Hogwarts and ..."

"But," interrupted Snape, emphasizing the word strongly, "did you do all of those things to hurt Sirius on purpose?"

"No," Harry answered silently.

"That means that you do not have to feel guilty about anything. Think about how the person you love would have felt if he had known that you were feeling so awful."

"He would have hated it."

Snape agreed to that. "Indeed, he would have. And even if you were to blame for anything, someone who would truly care about you, would have forgiven you for it long ago."

They were both silent for a while, until Harry asked: "Is it normal to still feel terrible sometimes, when it was months ago that the person died?"

"Oh yes," Snape answered thoughtful. "You can feel like that for years. Have you noticed that it only happens occasionally? That it suddenly hits you that the person is gone and will never come back?"

Harry nodded. "It happens mostly when I'm alone. It makes me want to just run away and leave everything behind sometimes."

"I know the feeling. I hated life for not letting me die when I was younger. Now, I thank life for it. It is very important to let out everything when you feel so bad."

"How? It happens when I'm alone!"

"Take a piece of parchment and write down everything you feel. All of your sadness, anger and self pity should be reflected on that piece of parchment. And when you're done, destroy it. Destroy it without even reading it. Tear it into small pieces, burn it in the fire or throw in this lake."

"Does it work?" Asked Harry, looking up at Snape. His professor was still staring ahead of him and said silently: "It definitely does."

"May I ask what you wrote down, professor?"

Snape smiled slightly at the polite, yet curious question. "Yes, you may. And I will answer you, but first I need your solemn promise that you will not dwell on anything I say to you. Do not let it influence you or your thoughts."

"I promise."

Snape let out a deep sigh. "I was alone, staring into the fire when I wrote this. I wrote that I wanted to cry, even to die, but that I couldn't. That the world continued, while my life seemed to fade away, like warm breath on a cold window. I wrote that my dreams had faded into nightmares and that my sleep brought no peace anymore. Nothing did. I was so alone and when I closed my eyes, bad memories seemed to take away reality. There was physical pain, down in my stomach, making every breath hurt so much."

"I'm sorry." Harry whispered.

Snape looked down at him and for the first time their eyes met. "For what?" He asked.

"For letting you relive all of that after you destroyed it."

"Don't be sorry. I chose to relive it and it doesn't hurt me so much anymore. I am almost healed. Did you recognize any of the feelings?"

"I did. Especially the pain and the nightmares."

Snape's serious expression changed into an undoubtedly concerned one.

"You have nightmares?"

"A few times a week."

"About what?"

Harry hesitated. Nightmares and dreams were personal, just like thoughts. But his professor's expression left no room for such privacy or silence. "They vary. Sometimes, I see my parents die, sometimes Sirius and sometimes ..."

"And sometimes, you die yourself. Alone, in the dark and forgotten." Continued Snape after Harry had gone quiet. "I know."

"Can I stop them?"

"No, time will let them go away. What do you do when you've had one?"

Harry shrugged, uncomfortable. "I just lay down and try to think of good stuff or I try to stay awake to avoid more nightmares."

"Well, that's not good."

Harry smiled a bit. "Yeah, I figured that, professor."

"I'll tell you what I did when I was your age. When I woke up after a nightmare, I was often very scared. I would then light a little candle on my bedside table and I would just stare at it. After a while, I would calm down and go back to sleep. You should try it."

"I will. Who taught you all of these things?"

His professor smiled a sad smile. "My parents never got along really well. They fought quite a lot. I would always go to my grandparents when they did that. They were fantastic. The kind of people that you can always go to and who would always take their time to listen to you. It was so safe with them and it gave me the feeling that nothing in the world could hurt or frighten me. It was almost a sanctuary for me. When I was fourteen, my grandfather past away, totally unexpected. He had a heart attack, during his sleep. My grandmother was so strong, it was amazing. She never changed one bit and she taught and told me all of these things to help me cope with the loss. When she past away, I was eighteen. I felt no sadness, just joy. That day, I celebrated her life and that was how she wanted it."

"That's beautiful."

"Yes, yes, it is." Snape replied. Harry thought his voice broke for just a moment, but seconds later he wasn't sure if it had not been his own imagination. They sat there, at the side of the lake, for a long time. Neither of them knew how long and neither of them cared. Twilight was already setting in, when Snape rose to his feet.

"Thank you, Mr. Potter."

"Thank you, professor."

When Snape turned around, a little breeze blew Harry's potion's book to a different page than the one he had been reading. Harry looked at it and realized that it was exactly the right page for his essay. With a small smile, he looked behind, but Snape was nowhere to be seen. Harry remained where he was, thinking things over just one last time, until the descending sun burned away his remaining thoughts.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.

Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

CHAPTER 4

Harry was cleaning up after his potion lesson when Professor Snape approached him. They had not spoken since the day at the lake and Harry was secretly disappointed about that.

"How are you doing, Mr. Potter?" Snape whispered under his breath while pretending to study the label of a vial which contained a sample of Harry's potion.

Harry nodded and replied equally soft: "Fine, sir. But I want to talk to you about something."

"Eight o'clock, my office."

Harry watched his teacher stride away, leaving him standing in the classroom. Snape's attitude in class hadn't changed, because he didn't want any other students to know anything about their conversations together. Harry didn't mind. It wasn't like they were friends or anything. They had a bond and that was all he required. Snape wasn't trying to replace Sirius and that made him a good person to talk to. His words weren't marked with pity, unlike those of most others who tried to get him to speak to them. Harry had realised that pity wasn't what he needed. Snape knew that and Harry sometimes wondered why and how. How come he understood how to talk and to share when so many other did not? Maybe it was because he always kept his distance. He never came close enough to draw out the things Harry rather kept to himself. But what it exactly was, wasn't important. Important was that it was there.

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The light on Snape's desk was dim, casting mysterious shadows in the room and left the two of them slightly in the dark. Harry liked the darkness. It was comfortable to know that Snape couldn't read every expression on his face. Another thing he liked was that Snape hadn't asked what was wrong yet. He had just sat down and let the silence endure, waiting for Harry to break it when he was ready.

"I wonder if I will ever see him again." Harry said suddenly.

He couldn't see his professor's face and his voice was blank when he replied: "What do you mean by that?"

"You know, when I die,"

"I can't answer that. Only those who have died know what comes after this life. If something comes."

"But what do you think?"

It took a full minute before Snape answered. "I think," He began slowly. "I think there's something. Another world maybe. Without pain, sadness or death."

That surprised Harry. Snape didn't seem the kind of person for such thoughts. But after their conversations he had began to Snape as another person. This surprised him, but not as much as it would have done a year ago.

"I don't know if I think and believe that, or if I only want and wish that." Snape continued.

"It's not so bad, you know. To want something like that."

"I know that," Snape voice filled itself with sadness. "But I fear it's just an illusion. That death will really mean the end. And that thought makes it harder to believe in a next world."

Harry shrugged at that. "It shouldn't make any difference, if it would be an illusion. If it is something that you have believed your whole life, something good, something to hold on to, then it has been worthwhile enough already."

Snape smiled in the dark. "I think that that is probably the smartest thing I've every heard you say, Potter. What about you, what do you think?"

"I don't know, really." Harry told him. "I'd like it if there was another world. Then I would have something to, kind of, look forward to. It would make dying less scary."

"I think that if you are old enough to die, you have lived for so long that death will not frighten you anymore. I think it will bring comfort. Then you shouldn't be afraid of death anymore."

Harry smiled sadly. "I don't think dying at an old age is my destiny."

"Why not?"

"The prophecy," Harry answered. "I am meant to kill Voldemort and I think that will also mean my death."

"I don't believe that!" Snape sounded stern. "I don't believe in destiny either. I believe that we make our own choices. You are the person who is supposed to fight the Dark Lord. I think you will succeed. I have faith."

"I will die, whether I kill him or not," Harry spoke tiredly. "I just know that. And it scares me."

"Put it out of your mind, Potter! I don't want you to think like that. Think about my illusion instead. Make it yours to believe in and hold on to it!"

"I will try. Can you tell me what it looks like in your illusion?"

"Our illusion," Snape corrected. "And I think I can. I have this one picture in my head. I will replace my grandparents in it for your parents and Sirius. Please close you eyes."

Harry immediately did so.

"Imagine. You see a far green land, without roads or houses. Just small hills and trees. A beautiful landscape. It is still quite dark. But when the sun starts to rise, you can see the silhouettes of three people standing on one of those hills. As the sun rises further and shines upon them, you see James. He has his arm around Sirius and his hand is in your mother's, while her hair moves in the wind. They are smiling while watching the sunrise. Smiles of pure joy and happiness. You have that to look forward to."

"It's perfect," said Harry, once again thanking the dark for hiding the tears in his eyes.

"Indeed, it is. But your time isn't there yet."

"I hope so," Harry replied sincerely. "I can wait. I am not finished here yet."

"True, but you can dream about it at night."

"Do you do that?"

"I do."

"Doesn't it make you sad? The fact that you can't go there yet?"

"No, it doesn't." Snape said with a small smile. "I know they will wait for me and I know that I am still needed here. I know that they know that too."

Harry nodded and understood it. He got up. "Thank you, professor." He said. "That helps me."

Professor Snape waited for a moment and then, as if he decided something, got up and called Harry back. "Potter," And after a slight hesitation. "Harry, wait. I want you to take something…"

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When Harry was laying in his bed, he was still clutching the item Snape had given to him. By the light of the candle next to his bed, he looked at it for one last time. It was a picture from the yearbook Snape had gotten when he graduated from Hogwarts. The picture showed James, Lily, Sirius and Remus. All of them were smiling and all of them were happy. Harry put it next to his bed, on the bedside table. It was his only picture of Sirius. The others he had thrown away in his anger and grief. Now that he was convinced that this had not been a final goodbye, he was ready to look at the pictures again. They made him happy and sad at the same time, but he was glad to have them. Harry blew out his candle and laid down. He recalled the illusion. For Harry, it was real. Just as real as the new hope it had given him.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.

Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.

BREAKING THE SILENCE

CHAPTER 5

Harry looked at the small note that had been delivered to him this morning during breakfast. He read it one more time, but already knew the content by heart:

"Meet me at my office at 7 PM. I want to show you something. – Snape" 

The reason for this meeting was not given in the note, but Harry thought he could guess it. Tonight, it was exactly one year ago that Sirius had died. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to Snape tonight. Actually, he would have preferred to be alone. Yet his feet were carrying him to the dungeons at this very moment. He did not know why he went. Maybe it was fear for Snape's anger, maybe it was faith in him.

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"It's a year ago now that he past away," Snape began. "And I want to offer and discuss something with you."

Harry sat up straighter, growing curious. Snape seemed a little different. Nervous perhaps. He wondered what could make his stern professor nervous.

"I want to take you back there. One last time. I want to take you back, so that you can end this for yourself."

"Back to the ministry?" Harry whispered, a little shocked. "I don't know, professor. I don't think I can do that and I don't think I want that."

"I will be there with you. You won't be alone. Let me tell you something: Years ago, when my grandmother had died, I did not dare to go back to her house. I was scared too. Until one day, I felt I was ready and went there. It immediately felt like it did when she still lived there. Comfortable, trustworthy and safe. It brought me a lot of closure, to just sit there and reflect. It helped me a lot and I think it will help you too."

"Okay," Harry decided for himself. He was surprised when he heard himself say it. He didn't know why, but in a strange way, it seemed the right thing to do. He couldn't really explain or justify it, but yet he added: "I'll go with you."

"Very brave, Mr. Potter," Snape's voice did not display a hint of sarcasm.

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Harry stood in front of the big wooden door to the rectangular room in the centre of which stood the ancient archway that was hung by the black veil. Yet he didn't dare to enter. Now, it seemed a mistake to come here. A stupid mistake. He turned away from the door, to Snape. "I can't do it," There was despair in his voice. He hated it.

Snape nodded with an understanding look. "It is hard, I know. But take your time. Just try it."

Harry turned back to the door and put his hand on the knob. He closed his eyes and slowly opened it. It took a full minute for him to gather the courage to look. When he did, he saw it. The black veil, fluttering slightly, just as it had done the last time he was here. Harry approached it, slowly, as if in some kind of trance. His footsteps echoed on the stone floor, but he did not hear it. For his eyes, Sirius' last moments played over and over gain. He saw him dueling with Bellatrix, a jet of light hitting him in his chest, him falling slowly through the veil. Harry came closer and closer to it, his ears now filled with a faint whispering which seemed to come from inside the veil. He reached out to it, his hand coming closer and closer to the curtain, until Snape's strong hand grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Don't touch it," He warned sternly.

"Sorry," Harry said softly. "What do we do now?"

Snape sank down on his knees in front of the veil. "Sit down," Harry sat down next to him. "Close your eyes and listen."

Harry tried, but opened his eyes after just a moment. He did not want to listen. It scared him in a way he could not explain. "There's nothing there. He's gone." He made an attempt to get up, but Snape pulled him back.

"Sit down, Mr. Potter and listen!"

"What do you want me to hear?" Harry almost yelled at him.

"Voices," Snape told him calmly. "Voices of those who have passed beyond."

"Can you hear them?" Harry answered skeptic.

"Yes, and you can too. Try!"

Harry said down again and closed his eyes. He heard faint whispers, soft voices calling out his name. "Can they hear me?" He asked, eyes still closed.

"I don't know," Snape answered. "Talk to them,"

Harry hesitated for a moment. It seemed weird to just start talking to a black veil. What if he got no answer? And what if he got one? But the thought of his godfather speaking to him once more persuaded him. He started to whisper, very softly and very careful: "Sirius, I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I want to try. I want to say to you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting you in the position that caused your death. I miss you, Sirius. I miss you a lot. You were the person that I trusted most and now you are gone, like my mum and dad. I don't understand, but I don't blame you. You couldn't help it. I just want to tell you that I love you. And I ... I just hope that you'll wait for me, you know, up there."

Harry bowed his head, trying to cover and prevent the tears streaming down his face.

"It's okay to cry, Harry," Snape told him silently. Then he stepped away, giving him some space.

The boy was sitting in front of the veil and for the first time, he let it all out. He held his head in his hands and sat there on his knees, rocking slowly back and forth. Harry cried for minutes, until he was interrupted. His sobs stopped and he wiped his tears away with his sleeve. He looked intently at the veil, seeming to listen. Snape tried to hear something, but he couldn't. Harry however, could. In his head, he heard the familiar, soft voice of his godfather and he felt a warmth and a light spread through his whole body. It was something he had not felt for a very long time. It was that rare feeling of pure happiness that you only seldom had. After a few minutes, he got up and turned to Snape.

"He says it's nice up there. And they're waiting for me."

Snape smiled at him. An honest, true smile that Harry had never seen of him before. He hesitated for a moment, and then returned it.

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Again, they stood at the open windows of the Astronomy Tower. Harry looked at the stars, just like he had done before and thought about everything that had changed. Gone was his despair and self pity. His real self had returned, in a way. He had not forgotten Sirius. Not at all. In fact, he remembered him again. Everything about him that Harry liked, had come back to him. It wasn't shadowed by his own grief anymore. Sirius was Sirius again, and he was waiting for Harry. He promised. Harry had faced it. He had faced his sadness and fear. And he wasn't afraid anymore to admit that he was happier now, nor was he afraid to smile again.

Snape felt relieved and happy about how it all went today. Potter had changed and he himself had changed too. He had softened up and noticed that he cared. He cared about Potter and his other students. He realized that he liked his bond with the boy. They were so different, yet they shared the same illusion. An illusion that seemed much more real after today than ever before. Snape knew now for sure that they were also waiting for him. He wanted it, thought it and believed it.

Severus Snape looked down at Harry Potter and his dark eyes met Harry's green ones. Without either of them speaking another word, they both knew the silence was broken.

THE END

This was it. This was 'Breaking the Silence' and it has helped me a lot. It helped me recover from the loss of my grandmother, Wub, who died on the 14th of April, exactly four months ago. This is my tribute to her, but not only to her, but to everyone that we have to miss. I will always remember who she was and I will always love her. She was a strong, intelligent woman, liked and loved by many people. A woman you could always go to, and she deserved much more than the way she died. But I will see her again. I share Harry's and Snape's illusion. She and my grandfather stand on one of those hills, waiting for me. I want, think and will always believe that. Thank you.


End file.
